Getting the message across; Part 2

My friend told me about his troubles. When he spoke, the problem was clear. & the solutions were clear as well. When he finished his story, I began to structure his problem, giving him a clearer picture. I know the importance of having a 3rd person point of view in solving a problem. It helps you see things you otherwise would not be able to see, or hear from yourself when you are thinking of your problem.

& so I told him "From what I can understand, this seems to be your problem"

"You are loaded with work, and your siblings are not helping."

"Your mother refuses to give them any work, and is giving it all to you."

"Therefore, you are now tasked to redistribute this work to your siblings, the task your mother originally had"

& then, I listed a few solutions that seemed possible at the time.

"You could run away from home, like you were planning to."

"You could talk to your mom, but lately she hasn't been hearing a word you say and she seems emotional as well"

"Or you could talk to your brother and your sister, and start to share the workload"

It was then obvious which option seemed the most viable and easy. However, as easy as it sounded, my friend could not bring himself to communicate with his elder brother. He was intimidated by his elder brother, & was actually scared of his own brother.

I then started to devise a plan, in which he could speak to his brother effectively. I started out by telling him to be assertive. The logic behind it was: He needed to get a message across. He has been suffering, and his brother has not been touched, he needs his brother to get work done. Simple as that. The reasons he had to back him up were enough to make an assertive stand. When I gave him an example on how it would sound like, it sounded effective. My tone was not high, but firm, and gave a sort of a 'punchy' effect. I pointed at him when I spoke, saying 'you need to get this done. This message needs to get across'. All this non-verbal ques boosted the effect of my messages. However, he pointed out that this was coming from me, and he could not reproduce such an effective assertive speech.

The problem was not with the content of the message itself. I now understood. He can say what I wanted him to say perfectly, but he just couldn't express the non-verbal ques that gave it the character. The importance of my intonation of speech, and how I pointed a finger at my subject when I asserted a message, brings a huge difference to the table.

That night, he spoke to his brother. He told me it went well, but his voice was shaking. He did not point or had a firm voice, but rather he sounded like he was about to cry when he spoke to his brother. When he said this, I wondered how it managed to work. He did not reproduce a level of assertion that would get a message across to his brother at all. However, I managed to understand at last. His body language communicated distress, and invoked sympathy and empathy. He was being a humble ambassador when he spoke, as if asking for help from a powerful source. This made his brother feel big and respectful, and thus agreed to help with the house work.

All this sounds like a small problem. But you'd be surprised at how big it became when my friend could not express himself appropriately. Its true that communication plays a vital role in our lives, and without it we simply cannot move on. I'm glad I now understand this, and I am able to use what I know to help others. (:

Written by,
Goh Keng Yu @ Daniel